Gratitude for a Stranger

Thank you for asking if I have eaten every night at seven.

And if I say I haven’t, you’ll rush at my door and we’ll 

walk to our favorite spot to eat, talk and bask not in our food

but in the presence of each other’s company.

Thank you for the unspoken language of love,

expressed with every touch, every glance, and in the silence.

That even though the right words were unuttered,

the rhythm of our heartbeats articulate what we truly feel.

Thank you for playing this emotional tug-of-war with me

and letting me win this game even though

I surrendered completely even before it has begun. 

And though I kept on raising my white flag,

you kept on pushing and pulling by your lonesome,

just because this game is the only thing that connects us,

the only thing that makes us feel alive,

and the only thing you know that will remind me of you.

Thank you for giving me my space

while you watch from a distance tearful.

You never got tired of pulling while I kept on pushing.

But despite that, you let me think I won the game

though I don’t really know how it worked.

Thank you for allowing me to figure this out on my own.

But it was too late, I’ve learned the mechanics

when you’ve found a new match to play with.

So now it’s my turn to just watch you from a distance tearful.

Thank you for still playing the same game that connected us,

for the stolen side glances that speak for us in the silence,

and for continually dancing the rhythm of our heartbeats 

in the quietness of our passion.

Thank you, even though you don’t know it,

your memories give me reasons to be delighted,

your memories paint my dull routine,

and the slightest pain that your memories bring, give me blissful recollection.

Thank you for not telling me that this is all an illusion

and for not confirming it all happened

because this mystery gave me reason to be alive- 

to still play this game while we both watch each other from a distance tearful,

not with resentment or regret but with grateful hearts that yearn. 

Rain on a Summer

Under one umbrella, I pulled you closer

Both rattled when I grabbed your shoulder

You stared where my hand landed

Didn’t move, nervous and jittered

You’re presence, warm as the summer

My feelings, bizarre as this weather

Our heartbeats, silenced and drowned

By the sun’s warmth and heavy rain’s sound  

As the downpour plays strange music

The sun danced to its peculiar tune

Oh is this some kind of sorcery

Elated, confused but still happy

It echoes longingness

Though you’ve always been near

Oh the burden of the unspoken

Mimicked by the cries of heaven

But confusion got the better of me

And feared what we ought to be

So I took my hand off, as you looked at me baffled

You gazed back at your shoulder, now this made me wonder

What were you thinking back then

When the rain poured heavy and the sun shone brightly

And as we walked slowly, body to body

Was it pure bliss or just pure silence and perplexity?

Walls and Kisses

JFZ

Six years after we’ve parted

I finally owned to misery

In these shaking hands, my face I burry

But tears overflow, they’re just too many.

I tried to kill all emotions

But all those years were for naught

Victim of my own pretension

Thought I’m better off alone

You said one brick at a time, we’ll build our castle tall

But I used those bricks to build a sturdy wall

Yet, no matter how strong my walls maybe

Your tender loving kisses, tear it down easily.

When was the last time you touched me?

I feel you beside me

When was the last time our eyes met?

I see you from the walls I made.

I’m sorry you’ve grown tired

Now I’m trapped from my own prison

Trying hard to break free

Still trapped from my own prison

  

So I’ll content myself, peeking through the hole

From your last attempt to kiss down my wall

But I can’t see you now, my eyes are murky

Tears overflow, they’re just too many.

Inside these walls are just memories

Inside these walls are just maybes

Though weak and now flimsy,

Don’t try to kiss it down, we’ll hurt so many

So I’ll content myself, peeking through the hole

From your last attempt to kiss down my wall

But I can’t see you now, my eyes are murky

Tears overflow, they’re just too many.

The ifs, the memories, the maybes are just too many.

From books to guns (first of four)

College girl turned rebel

“I stopped schooling and left my life behind me for nothing.” With a remorseful tone, Maricris recollected how she rested her books and clutched a gun.

Her journey as a state rebel started out with the curiosity to attend educational discussions (ED) in UP. Issues regarding the ineffectiveness of the government, poverty, human rights violations, corruption, and other soci0-economic concerns were tackled. It pierced through her.

Armed with an open mind and idealism, she was an easy target for the underground recruitment.

After several educational discussions, she became a member of a militant group in just a very short time. At the age of 17, she was already leading some underground movements in UP during her sophomore year in the university.

Her progress in the underground movement was fast but not in her academics. She went to school but not in her classes. To her, street education is far better than classroom learning.

Soon enough, she passed on what she learned in EDs to recruit other students. But her work inside the campus is limited to enticing the youth and mobilizing rallies against the government. She knew she could do a lot more.  

The time came when she was nominated to be part of the ‘party’ or the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) with more than twenty other underground rebels from UP. Eleven of them went to Aurora to further study the core principles of CPP-New People’s Army (NPA).

From UP, they headed to Aurora taking a longer and different route for safety purposes. When they reached the site, she saw an actual red army in an actual NPA camp with lots of guns for the first time. It fueled her. The revolution that was ingrained to her as the only solution to free this country is almost tangible, and so she thought of joining that solution.

Nevertheless, she was also hesitant. No matter how tough she thinks she is, she was wary to face the life of an armed rebel.

She thought of her family and the Christmases she would miss. She thought of her boyfriend and making amends because they had a petite fight. But at that time she also knew that armed struggle is the ultimate form of fighting. She’s done with shouting and protesting in the streets and so she integrated with the depths of Sierra Madre.

With her frail body, she held a gun as if her life depended on it. 

UP education is costly

The price tag of education

Education is not a right but a privilege; this is the harsh reality of the education system here in the Philippines.

As our country’s premier state university, we expect free education from UP funded by taxpayers’ money. Sadly, quality education comes with a price tag and sometimes, the price is too costly to pay. In Kristel’s case, the elusive UP education cost her to take her own life, her future and the lives she could have changed.

What happened to Kristel is one too many. This is a representative of the existing condition of underprivileged UP students. Paying 300 pesos per unit or roughly 6 thousand pesos per semester (miscellaneous and other fees not included) is already a fortune for a poor family of 7.

Socialized tuition

UP is for all. The institution should give equal opportunity for qualified students whether one is rich or poor. Kids born with a silver spoon on their mouth can easily afford quality education but for some students whose parents should first till the soil, sell properties, pawn jewelries and borrow some money just for a day’s allowance, the dream of UP education seems distant.

Socialized Tuition and Financial Assistance Program (STFAP) is UP’s answer to level the playing field between the rich who can afford to pay in full, and the poor who can barely buy school supplies. A form societal justice as may be viewed by some. Nevertheless, it still is a form of social discrimination between economic standings.

For UP students who can afford the soaring tuition fee, all they have to do is to pay the full amount. For those who can’t, they have to undergo a long and tedious process applying for STFAP and wait for the result, until mid-semester perhaps. With extensive requirements before the coveted STFAP approval, some documents would require resources before it can be obtained, another burden for an isko and iska’s family, only to find out they were declared millionaires by the flawed STFAP bracketing system.

Giving up is a choice

Beyond the faulty policies and lack of government support, we also have to look at the soaring suicide incidents committed by the youth. Adversaries are everywhere but the youth of today is looking for an easy way out. I don’t blame Kristel. She’s young and anyone driven by depression could have done the same thing. But it’s a choice. Maybe what she lacked is the toughness to go through adversaries in an era where everything is handed easily.

What could have helped her aside from financial assistance is counseling. But how many UP students would willingly talk to guidance counselors? Does UP even provide one? If so, do students know they can avail sessions with guidance counselors?

UP has a “survival of the fittest” culture. The freshman Kristel did not even finished her freshman year because of depression driven by poverty. Maybe, what UP freshman survival kit should include is how to handle life’s hostilities.

Who’s to blame?

Fingers have been tossed too many times. It’s time to move on and address the issue at its core. The government for the longest time who disregarded the value of UP education should allot enough funding to this state-run university. This has been the battle cry of students not just from UP, but from other state universities and colleges as well. As future leaders of this society, the government owes it to the students.

On the other hand, UP policies deemed anti-students are already under scrutiny and immediate revocation of these oppressive rules should be implemented by UP administration. After all, they owe it to the students.

Leaders running the university should also look for scholarships where students can apply for. It isn’t hard to do for a school with good academic reputation. There are lots of creative ways how UP can help its financially challenged students on how to continue their education. They just have to use their wits which they abundantly have, no doubt.

UP has the right to exercise self-generating income schemes. Idle lands have been leased and UP entered in some contracts to help accumulate income for the school, but demanding rich students to pay more is extortion. It is like saying “give us your money or else, you will be denied education.” As far as we all know, UP is for smart students whether you’re rich or poor. The real answer for quality education is higher state subsidy from a government run by countless UP alumni.

If UP alumni serving the government cannot even fight for a greater state subsidy, then what’s the use of having a UP education when you cannot even pay it forward? Education is a privilege not a right. This is a fact but it doesn’t mean that we should accept it because if we do, Kristel’s life which is connected to our system, culture, society and ultimately ours too, will all go down the drain.

Option and Deception

As I scan through my friends’ Facebook status updates, a friend was talking about deception and honesty. If a person has openly admitted being deceptive, then he is honest about his dishonesty. Now, how can we tell when he’s finally being honest or just being deceptive trying to cover the truth?

As I continue scanning status updates, I remember another friend talked about options. He said that the more options we have, the more likely it is for us to choose the wrong ones. Then how are we guided to choose the right ones? On the other hand, are we intentionally dragged to choose to wrong ones?

Whether these choices are life decisions, consumer products or picking up what shirt to put on, how do we know the difference between choices? If the choice affects us, should we be one to choose or let the experts do it for us?

A lot of questions popped out in my head within a day but in a way, they were all interrelated. We may be guided to choose what is best for us but in the end, it is always our decision. Life presents us too many options to choose from but sometimes it is best to be given just two choices. Just like the words that come out in our mouth or the way we present ourselves to the public, it is bounded by just two options- we may either deceive or be just be honest.

Then again, when we lie, the first person we choose to deceive is ourselves. Others just come secondarily. Does it reflect how brilliant we are at option and deception? We sometimes choose to deceive ourselves and believe in our own dishonesty. Sometimes we are so convinced in our own deception that we actually believe in it. When we became so convinced, our lies may become our reality and when it does, deception will become our sole option.

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